Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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