someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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