i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
