he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
