I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
