New low: just hacked my moms facebook
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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