i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
