Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
