Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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