I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
