there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
