so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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