I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
where does the pee come out of this thing
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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