If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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