A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
