dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
