So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
