Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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