I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
