My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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