i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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