All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
