I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
