That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
