i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
