you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
