If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
A bitchslap is in order.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
