dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
