I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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