Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
