Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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