If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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