Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
