A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
