I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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