I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
