I can tuck mytits in my pants
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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