My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
