she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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