So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
