when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
