dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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