I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
