My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left an ass print on the piano.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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