I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
