She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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