Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
