i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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