the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
