mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
