I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
