My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish you could order shots online.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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