Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
