You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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